Collision Course and Kicking Out the Window

 In Chapter 34: Collision Course, the event that Cara has been meticulously, painstakingly setting the stage for in her fantasy scenario (finally having sex with Styles) is interrupted by a loud crashing sound in the cottage kitchen, just before the imagined climax. Completion of the fantasy (although who knows what would have come after) was so close.

Coming back to reality in a heightened state of sexual arousal gets compounded by the adrenaline caused by the loud crash, and the uncertainty of what caused the sound. I think it says a lot about Cara’s mentality that she even considers the possibility that the sound was made by someone other than Styles, an intruder. She’s programmed to imagine the worst.

Eventually getting her wits about her, she goes out to investigate and finds Styles trying to navigate an unfamiliar kitchen in the dark, dropping stuff and making a racket while trying to be quiet – something we can all relate to. We learn that he was having trouble sleeping as well. He doesn’t give the specifics of it, but at this point we are likely wondering if his insomnia is not all that different from Cara’s in terms of anxiety or excitement about the fact that they are alone together in the cottage. Is he fighting the same urges and desires as Cara? Maybe not daydreaming about it to the extent that she is, but processing the situation in his own way.

Deciding to stay up and talk for a bit by the fire leads to an emotional revelation from Styles (triggered by an unexpected text message from his adult daughter Delphine who is borderline estranged from). We learn that he’s a widower, having lost Michelle, his first wife of 10 years to a hiking accident where he was unable to do anything to save her. Cara immediately applies this information to his overreaction to her falling into the pool at River’s house the day they met, and we understand that his trauma about what happened to Michelle is likely what was behind his reaction, rather than trying to play hero to impress her (which is certainly what Griffin thinks was the reason).

Layering that emotional revelation upon the arousal and nerves and excitement they’re both experiencing is like adding fuel to the proverbial fire. Styles also thinks of the pool party at River’s though his mind goes to Willow’s spouse-swapping proposal, and how at that moment in time the idea was way out of his comfort zone, but after everything that has happened since then, now that he and Cara have established this connection they have, and the questions around Willow and Griffin forming a romantic connection and possibly having an affair, if the question were to be proposed again, he’d make a different decision.

It’s essentially him revealing and justifying his feelings, which is exactly what Cara has been moving towards with her island survival fantasy about him. Now they’ve both given themselves permission to give in to their feelings and desire for each other. The survival fantasy has laid the groundwork for this moment. And while it’s different from how Cara imagined it, how she imagined him, it ends up being exactly the kind of sex she’s into – silly, playful, unserious. The jellybean fight is exactly the kind of erotic foreplay that she might daydream about. He really is making another one of her dreams come true.

The aftermath is a stark contrast to the warmth and sweetness of their lovemaking. Cara describes the cold loneliness she feels as he leaves her alone and locks her out following their indiscretion. We can only try to guess why he’s acting this way. We’ve seen that he’s emotionally volatile when it comes to the idea of infidelity being committed in his marriage, so we assume that now he’s feeling intense regret and remorse about being unfaithful to Willow (regardless of the suspected affair between her and Griffin). It’s also likely that he’s feeling the regret about changing the nature of his relationship with Cara and what it means for their work together. Another possibility is that he might have thought that getting even with Willow and Griffin would make him feel better, and he’s now reeling with the realization that it didn’t fix anything.

But we don’t know, because he doesn’t explain anything to Cara. She’s forced to swirl with all of these possibilities, while also dealing with her own feelings of remorse for her unfaithful deeds. And we know how good Cara is with uncertainty. It’s a spiral-inducing state for her, leading to emotional dysregulation and instability.

In Chapter 35: Kicking Out the Window, we find out that finally indulging in a physical, sexual connection with Styles directly leads to catastrophically damaging all of her L.A. relationships, and the decision to leave and move back home to Niagara Falls. The title is basically describing the action of trying to save oneself from a fatal car wreck (the previous chapter title, Collision Course, is a metaphor for the crashing sound in the kitchen leading to them colliding physically and sexually).

After stalking Styles, confronting him about what’s going to happen with their project, and finding out that he’s not only unwilling to continue working on it, he’s unwilling to do what needs to be done to give it back to her, she feels like she has no options left.

She extricates herself from the situation by deciding to run away, which seems uncourageous, cowardly even, but I have to ask… what choice did she really have? How could she stay, when Griffin is destroyed and wanting a separation, her creative partner is unresponsive and blocking any further progress on their project, and she has certainly destroyed her friendship with Willow and Naomi?

The only person fighting for her is River (despite the fact that she has been so distracted by her project with Styles that she routinely misses their studio appointments and has made the album recording a much longer and protracted process than it should have been), but she can’t accept it. She’s so sick about everything she can’t even fathom the idea of staying to finish the album, effectively ending her friendship with him in the process. It’s self-sabotage, it’s self-destruction, and the only way she knows how to stay alive, ironically. Like amputating a limb.

Hannah tries to show her that all is not lost, that there is reason for her to have hope that everything will still work out. Cara is “cocooning” herself in a blanket fort in the home office of the L.A. house while she has this conversation with Hannah. Hopefully this cocoon as she calls it is a clear symbol that this metamorphosis that Cara’s been actively undergoing is actually still in progress, and that the transition is entering it’s grossest, most painful, most irreversible stage. It feels the worst, like rock bottom. She can’t yet see what Hannah is trying to tell her. But it’s not over yet, despite how it looks.

A few notes on Chapter 35

If I can just say, Chapter 35 was extremely difficult for me to write. I cried a bunch, and it makes me emotional thinking about it and writing my notes about it here. I hate that Cara is going through this. I hate that she made a terrible decision and hurt people she loves. I hate that Griffin is suffering, and that he asked for a separation. I hate that she ruined her marriage, ruined her friendships, ruined her creative opportunities, ruined everything.

I hate the way Styles is treating her. But I also hate what he’s going through. I hate that he’s angry and disappointed with himself. I hate that he’s hurting too, and that his way of processing it is to do exactly what Cara is doing – run away from it, amputate her from his life. And I hate that she doesn’t know that. I hate that to her, he looks like a sociopath, like he’s deliberately being cruel. Stealing from her. Screwing her over for a mistake they both made equally, together. I hate that readers now probably hate him, because despite his assholic way of dealing with the situation, I love the shit out of him. Maybe even more than before.

And I hate that Cara can’t see that what she’s doing to River is exactly what Styles is doing to her.

I hate chapter 35 so much. I guess this is what they mean by “killing your darlings”, in the writing world. I hate that I had to do it. It feels like shit. Even though I know how it all ends, going through it with these characters that I love hurts like I’ve just tortured my own children.

To Retreat or to Retreat; On Mountain Time

Act III gets underway with Styles and Cara bouncing back with renewed energy and focus after a setback on their web series project, Sixty-Six. The setback in question is described in Chapter 32: To Retreat or to Retreat, and involves the network they pitched it to who had originally greenlit the pilot with a contingency for subsequent episodes now ghosting them. Cara and Styles have been forging ahead with the pilot whilst waiting for the contract package with budget and production details to arrive, but when it doesn’t, Styles reaches out to find out that it’s been quietly shelved.

It's a big blow to the both of them who’ve been putting so much of their time and effort into it all these months. Cara of course feels like all hope is lost, but Styles quickly comes up with an idea to keep the project going: he’ll fund it himself with money he’s been earmarking for a TBD future creative project anyway.

It would be an expensive undertaking, but he already has some experience and contacts in the industry, and since he already has an existing LLC for his podcast, developing the series under that umbrella would give them the freedom and power to make whatever creative choices they want and Sixty-Six would automatically be insured for some amount of legal and financial liability under his podcast LLC. (I don’t actually go into that detail in the chapter, because, ugh, boring and also because I’m deliberately keeping it vague – Cara doesn’t have a clue about this stuff and frankly I don’t really know that much about it either).

Styles has basically saved the day, and Cara is thrilled that their work can continue. It’s basically the reason she’s there, since River had proposed that the album recording could happen anywhere, anytime. Now that she’s there, if the web series project were to be over, it would make her question her presence there and likely mean that she’d wrap up the album with River and have no reason to stay any longer, that she and Griffin would pack up and move back home, the L.A. part of their live officially over.

Now that Cara and Styles are helming the project themselves, he proposes a weekend creative retreat in the mountains for the core team to reset, brainstorm and forge ahead with whatever new ideas they come up with. Cara is absolutely enthralled by the idea of this. If she didn’t feel like she had made it before, she certainly feels it now – like a real writer/creator who has every right to participate in a working retreat with her creative collaborators. She envisions a community forming, not just the Sixty-Six team, but bringing in River and his associates as well. An artist’s collective to bring everyone together.

Of course, it’s an unrealistic dream and gives insight into Cara’s idea of what a “real artist” looks like. She couldn’t possibly be one, unless these weird criteria are met. But the creator’s retreat in the mountains is one piece of this completely subjective puzzle in her mind, and she’s all in.

She doesn’t question anything about it until the day the retreat is supposed to begin – Friday after work – and notices that no one else in the office appears to know anything about it. Styles and Magda, their producer, are locked away in the studio auditioning talent for the web series all day, so Cara doesn’t see him until the end of the day when he finally emerges and asks her if she’s ready to go – just her. The so-called creator’s retreat will be just the two of them (Styles’ definition of the core team).

She considers dropping out at this point, but is unwilling to give up the romantic notion of herself as an artist being defined by this creative retreat idea, and decides to forgive the alleged miscommunication and go ahead with it as planned.

Which brings us to Chapter 33: On Mountain Time. Yes, I realize they’re already on Mountain Time, as indicated by California’s time zone designation, but the connotation here is that even if they aren’t going far, they’re entering a place with a different mindset, one that will hopefully enable them to think different about their project and provide inspiration for how they move ahead with it.

Cara’s quite moved and humbled by the landscape, after spending months in the city away from nature. She’s seeing colors and hearing sounds that are stimulating her consciousness in meaningful ways, so the scenic trip to the cottage is already having the desired effect.

The romance of the rustic but beautifully appointed cottage isn’t lost on Cara, and that evening as they sit by the firepit overlooking the lake, she nearly forgets why she’s really there, until Styles unpacks his laptop and gets right to work on their project. It seems she was right to trust him, that this creative retreat is the real deal, and the two of them discuss their next steps, including an idea that Cara has about bringing River into the project to do the music, which would save them from expensive licensing fees and benefit from his “new sound” that he’s working on. It also ostensibly scratches Cara’s itch to unite all her arty new friends together into this artist collective idea.

That night as Cara tries to sleep, she’s kept up by the discomfort of her conversation with Griffin about the creative retreat weekend plan. Not the conversation itself, but the fact that it hasn’t turned out the way she expected, with it now being only herself and Styles instead of their entire team. She replays their conversation in her head to make sure she didn’t do anything wrong, and that if it gets out that it was just herself and Styles at the cottage, she will be telling the truth when she says she didn’t know at the time.

Of course, it doesn’t excuse her for going anyway, and that’s something she doesn’t even consider. Once she’s soothed herself that she “did everything she could” to not actively put herself in this position (LOL she so didn’t), she drifts into her tropical island survival fantasy with none other than the person sleeping in the upstairs bedroom.

The daydream picks up where it left off, with Styles accepting that no rescue plane is coming for them and resigning himself to his fate of living on the island with Cara and accepting her as his romantic partner. They finally have sex, in her imagination, at least – something she has been building up to in this scenario for months – and it’s everything she hoped it would be (and more, as the sudden appearance of equally horny spider monkeys on the island threatens to ruin the mood).

Since we've established that the island fantasy is mirroring what's happening in real life, I think it's pretty clear that Cara is testing and stretching her mental boundaries to be ready for what may or may not happen. With recent events that may or may not have happened between Griffin and Willow, I think both Cara and Styles are adjusting for what they may or may not allow to happen, and how far they will give themselves permission to go.

Act II Wrap Up

Almost 70K words published to Inkitt. Two 5-star reviews before I’ve even marked it as complete. Lots of positive comments and reactions from readers, even if there are only a handful of them, I’m grateful for them. I know that my writing isn’t typical. No matter what I write, it tends to end up in some ambiguous, undefined category. Is it humor? Literary fiction? Romance? 

This story in particular seems to cross all of those, without landing strongly in any one. Which also makes me not marketable as an author either. I think I’ve come to accept this. I don’t fit. But it’s who I am, and it’s what I want to do. 

The idea of forcing myself to write in a genre just to be popular is abhorrent to me. As such, I’m not likely to ever be a successful author in terms of making a living. Again, I’m just going to have to be okay with that.

So what do I want to say about Act II?

Side Characters

This is where we meet Hannah, Cara’s best friend since childhood – though we don’t actually meet her in person. She pops up in text messages and phone calls, feeling a push from an otherworldly intuition to intervene in Cara’s life through some cosmic vibrations she’s picking up. Hannah’s a new age girl, a bit hippy, a bit boho, and even a little witchy. She’s in tune with The Universe and sensing that things have suddenly started to happen in Cara’s life that are outside the norm. Despite her penchant for tarot cards, crystals, and astrology, she acts as a grounding influence in Cara’s life, trying to protect her and nudge her toward exercising her free will to fulfill the best possible version of her destiny.

Honestly, we all need a friend like Hannah. The living embodiment of a guardian angel on earth, looking out for us and loving us despite our flaws and mistakes. Sigh.

Paige is a side character who has been with us since Act I, but I didn't mention her in my Act I wrap up. She’s Cara’s therapist and a continuing side character who we do meet in person. She’s kind of a more clinical take on the guidance that Hannah provides, but instead of simply looking out for Cara, she’s helping her in this journey to levelling up into the next version of herself. Her role isn’t just to deal with Cara’s ADHD or her maladaptive daydreaming. She’s parenting the adult version of Cara in a way, helping her grow as a person.

Subplot

The tropical island survival story. I did talk about this in one of my chapter discussions, but it’s worth repeating that if this book has B story, it’s Cara’s ongoing daydream where she’s telling herself a long form narrative about her relationship with Styles. There is definitely an end point she’s trying to get to, but for it to feel authentic, she needs to take the scenic route, make it feel earned. As Act II comes to a close, we see exactly where she’s going with it (as if we couldn’t guess), even if we don’t quite get all the way to the climax (pun intended) yet.

The island survival fantasy acts a mirror to what’s happening in Cara’s real life. Marooning herself and Styles on the island isn’t just a setting to bring about wish fulfillment (though it is certainly that). It’s a way for her to work out her feelings and react to the stress she’s under. 

When Styles goes missing late in Act II, the island survival story reaches a turning point where Styles is yearning for rescue from the island, to return to his life the way it was - with or without Cara – and is then forced to reconcile that his rescue plane isn’t coming, and accept that his life is different now, and Cara has become his new partner. 

He is rescued of course in real life, but the what we suspect is that something has changed for him. We don’t quite know the shape of that yet, but the subplot is a hint of foreshadowing (spoiler alert) that he’s not the same person he was before the incident between Willow and Griffin that made him go missing.

Themes

The snow globe on the book cover and from the prologue is officially introduced, as a symbol of a defined time in one’s life that we look back on – basically the entire Maladaptive narrative that Cara is recounting for us. Recently I've also started to think of it as also a kind of crystal ball, which brings me to the next theme.

The unknown, as it relates to suspected infidelity, and the denial vs. acceptance of what is suspected but not known. The time Cara is spending with Styles, and with River, means she’s spending less time at home with Griffin. He’s feeling left out, by his own admission, and so is Willow, also according to Griffin. We only have whatever information Cara has, so there are a lot of gaps in terms of what actually happened between them. Cara doesn’t know, and neither do we. But what it does is plant doubt in Cara’s mind for sure, and in Styles’ mind, we assume. The lines begin to blur, and it creates space for Cara to decide where she wants to align herself.

Which brings us to another key theme, the idea of levelling up, or versioning up. Cara makes repeated references to and old version of herself, and a new version she’s growing into, and being somewhere between them, not quite ready to leave Cara 1.0 behind, while simultaneously not quite ready to fully integrate with the emerging Cara 2.0.

It’s probably the most complicated and nuanced aspect of this theme. Cara 1.0 is her simple life in Niagara Falls with Griffin, the love of her life. In the absence of fulfilling her interior creative needs, he fulfills her emotionally, romantically and sexually, and it feels enough. Cara 2.0 on the other hand is her life as a creator in Los Angeles, and it’s tied to her connection with Styles. This version is creatively fulfilled and successful, but there’s a chicken and egg layer to it. Is she motivated to spend time with Styles to complete Sixty-Six, or is she motivated to complete Sixty-Six to spend time with Styles? And is there a clear line between the two, or is it so blurry that it’s impossible to know?

Though it’s never specifically mentioned, I also think there is a Cara 1.5. And this mid-point version of herself is aligned with River, Hannah and Paige. They see her transition and they want to help her while not making her decisions for her. They embody the free will she has to upgrade or revert, but there is a sacrifice either way that she needs to make. They are her safe space amid the tumult of being Cara 1.5.

This idea of feeling split or torn also relates to observations she makes early on in Act II about feeling like she’s become untethered in the multiverse, slipping into other timelines that she doesn’t belong in, and her fears that she’s messing things up for the versions of herself in these other timelines.

Spice Factor

Kind of nil, it turns out. The sexual fantasies of Act I have taken a back seat to the more emotional, borderline romantic subplot of Cara’s imaginary relationship with Styles. Maybe this is why readership on Inkitt has suddenly slowed. I get it. Not everyone likes a slow burn, and it’s possible that the burn has gone too cold to keep some readers’ attention. I should maybe look into that, but I also don’t want to insert sex scenes for the sake of it. They have to serve the story. In Act I they’re all about instant gratification, but in Act II, it’s all about connection on another level. I promise that sexy scenes do make a return in Act III, and for anyone who did stick around to the end of Act II, it should be clear that the payoff to the build up is coming soon.

General Thoughts

Act II is extremely transitional in nature. Another theme that I mentioned but didn’t delve into above is one of control, fate, destiny, and free will. This continues from Act I and I think that it is an overarching concept to the entire novel, but really comes into the picture in Act II, as Cara starts to see that she’s not the center of the universe. Looking at it from space, we’re all just particles in chaos, making decisions that impact each other, bounce off each other. Fate and chaos are inexplicably kind of the same thing.

Going into Act III

From a “marketing” standpoint, I’m trying another variation on the cover. Adjusting my genre tags. Trying to find ways to attract more readers. I actually posted the first chapter of Act III this morning. I’ll do a blog post on it later. But I’m feeling kind of sad about it. It’s like anything I have ever put out into the world. There is always this depression that follows, and I can sense it moving in. I have an idea what I might do after this, but I wonder if I’ll have the same energy and motivation for it.

I keep trying to remind myself that I’m working under a pen name, and that it’s my mask, my safety net, that anything that happens or doesn’t happen isn’t happening or not happening to me, it’s happening to Zinnia Sherwood. Hear that, internet? You can’t hurt me.

Lost and Found, Levelling Up

Chapters 30 and 31 are posted to Inkitt - and it surprised me to realize that I've actually concluded Act II. I knew I was getting there, but it kind of crept up on me. I feel a little wistful about it. That's 2/3 of the story posted, only 1/3 to go. And it's the third I'm most worried about, in terms of how it will be received. But I guess before I worry myself about that, I should celebrate what I've accomplished so far and share my notes for these final chapters of Act II.

Lost and Found opens with Cara "lost" in her island survival fantasy with Styles, while he's actually a missing person in real life. In this "subplot", their hope of rescue is dashed when the realization that the plane that flew overhead weeks earlier was not coming back to get them.

It's a turning point for Styles who grieves at the realization that his old life is over, and he must accept his circumstances to keep living. The first thing accepting those circumstances brings, is acceptance of feelings that have arisen between them, and letting go of their attachments to their loved ones at home. Cara is pulled out of her daydream just as they are about to start getting it on, which seems like it would be frustrating, but I can tell you, it's all about the tease. Holding on to this anticipatory moment that her thirst for him will be quenched imminently, and that the feeling is mutual between them. It's okay now. They're not doing anything wrong. They have permission. They are all they have.

Coming out of the daydream, Cara learns that Styles has been found safe. In the real world, he did receive his rescue. 

Now that the Styles crisis is over, Cara can start processing her feelings about what lead to Styles' disappearance - whatever happened between Griffin and Willow. Still, it takes her some time to work up the courage to have the confrontation, imagining all the different ways it could go, and entertaining us with an instructional interlude for how to prepare.

Griffin manages to avoid answering her directly, not specifically admitting to having committed any act of infidelity. He indirectly puts the responsibility on Cara (after telling her that it wasn't her fault) for leaving a gap for he and Willow to bond over the time that Cara and Styles are spending together on their project.

Cara wants to believe that Griffin isn't lying by omission. She lets it go on account of not wanting to believe he's capable of cheating on her, and shifts her concern to whether or not Styles will be alright to continue working on their project together.

In Levelling Up, Cara admits to her therapist, Paige, that she's having romantic feelings for Styles, and that she's not feeling great about it. It's a turning point for Cara, as she finally tells this secret to someone who can help her. It's progress, however small.

But progress is like a cha cha dance, and Cara floats to River the idea of quitting L.A. and going home, leaving her work unfinished. I think she's ready to release the idea that everything that has happened is somehow her fault - that just by being there, she has caused all kinds of disruption. It's an idea she's been attached to, but it's no longer serving her, and by telling River about it, she knows she's going to get a truth-telling. River always calls a spade a spade with her, so his response is something she can take to the bank.

He also sets her straight about his project vs. her project, the idea that Styles put in her head that Sixty-Six is the only project that's really hers, and therefore it should be her priority. Since we know River tells the truth, when he tells her that the record wouldn't be happening without her, we believe him. 

As Cara and Styles resume working together for the first time since he came back from the wilderness, it turns out Cara's overactive imagination was wrong about whether he'd be able to continue the project - he's back to his usual self, and the two of them get back into their zone together immediately. 

So with River helping her move past old ways of thinking and Styles returning from his breakdown in a seemingly cleansed and happy state, everything seems like it's finally hunky dory. But we soon find out that her troubles aren't over yet, as Hannah sends her a warning involving The Fool and the Three of Swords - a dangerous combination signalling that naivete and betrayal could lead to the next bump in the road.

There is another mirror to the island survival fantasy here, if it's not too obvious - Styles returning from his disappearance and being immediately "okay" with Cara. That breakdown in the hills was definitely a grieving process - Styles grieving Willow's suspected infidelity. The fact that he came back from that grief ready to re-engage on the creative level with Cara which is basically a passionate connection between them that is fuelling desire is not all that different from her fantasy where he grieves his old life, releases it, and moves forward romantically with her.

*****

So that's Act II in the can. I guess I'll do a write-up about the section as a whole like I did for Act I. Not exactly sure what I want to say about it yet, but that'll be coming soon.

In other news, I think I may have bitten off more than I can chew. I was inspired by some authors on Inkitt who have been posting Christmas stories, some of them with characters from their other stories. I've had an idea in my head for a little while that I wanted to tell some Maladaptive related stories, but I hadn't landed on a specific way to do that, until now. So, I've started A Maladaptive Christmas Interlude, which is going to be a 20,000 word short story. I guess I should link it here. It's basically an insert between Chapter 24 and Chapter 25 of Maladaptive, but the goal is for it to be a standalone piece - I won't be integrating it into the main novel.

I guess I just thought it would be a fun way to indulge some other scenes I've had in my head without impacting the main story. A little side trip. I hope that Maladaptive readers will be into it of course, but it's also for anyone who is just looking for a short Christmas story. Maybe it will lead them into the Maladaptive world, or maybe it won't, and that's fine either way. 

I'm a little nervous about it though, because unlike Maladaptive, which I've been working on for months with multiple revisions and polishing before posting, this is like a flying by the seat of my pants winging it situation and it feels very vulnerable, like I'm posting pictures of myself in my underwear or with stains on my clothes or something. Hopefully it won't be too rough. Also, I don't know how I think I'm going to be able to finish by Christmas, and continue posting Act III of Maladaptive. I think I might be nuts. We'll see how it goes.

Chapters 28 and 29: Apocalypse Wow and Fault Lines

These chapters focus on the fallout from Griffin and Willow getting caught “upstairs” during the dinner party. In Apocalypse Wow, we find Cara unable to confront Griffin for fear of finding out a boogeyman of the truth she doesn’t want to deal with. 

Despite her churning guts telling her that everything is wrong, she doesn’t want to disappoint River by missing yet another studio appointment, so she flees to Burntree almost as a respite from being at her house, the place where the alleged betrayal has occurred.

But it turns out that River is just as distracted, having received the news that his friend Styles has not been seen since the night before, not showing up to work or even returning home. 

This sends Cara spiralling with worry, her fear that she might somehow be responsible for what happened worsening and now taking on the responsibility for Styles’ disappearance as well. River appears to be rather concerned himself, so he cancels their session.

In Fault Lines, Cara’s island daydream scenario returns from it’s hiatus for the first time since she and Griffin made the decision to move to L.A. It picks up with Cara and Styles having been on the island for months now (mirroring the months-long period since the last time she indulged in this daydream). They’ve settled into a routine and have learned how to survive at a basic level, but now the threat is about them being able to survive and stay healthy in the long term. Holding onto hope of rescue (well, at least Styles is), Cara begins to wonder what all of this means for their relationship as friends, as partners in survival, or perhaps something more.

The switch to focus on rescue is of course another mirror to what’s happening in reality. With Styles missing, he may actually be in danger and in need of rescue for real. And while Cara wants him to be safe, she is also concerned about the potential impact on their friendship and partnership when he is found. If Griffin and Willow are having an affair, what does that mean for Cara and Styles? Especially if he  feels that Cara is in any way responsible for their actions.

Later in the chapter, she finally faces Griffin, who knows how Cara thinks and tries to assuage any guilt she may be feeling, blaming herself for the actions of others. Ironically, the idea that she is not at fault for what happened is more unsettling for her than if it was her fault, because it means accepting that a) the world doesn’t revolve around her, b) Griffin is actually at least partly responsible, and c) harboring secret romantic feelings for Styles is something she is actually guilty of.

Griffin doesn’t go as far as to take responsibility himself, though there is space to interpret him telling Cara it’s not her fault as him hinting that he knows he is to blame.

Comforting dark thoughts

Cara’s mind goes to some pretty dark places in these chapters. I’m not sure how common it is for other people with anxiety to go into dark comfort scenarios when they are in a heightened state of fear or worry, but it’s certainly how my mind works. Especially regarding uncertainty – instead of hoping for the best, my mind tends to imagine the worst. These thoughts often involve death, disease, catastrophic injury and physical pain as metaphors for rejection and emotional pain.

Cara imagining herself as a ghost watching her own funeral is a way of processing what she believes is the worst that can happen. It isn’t suicidal ideation. It’s a fear and anxiety response, designed to walk down the absolute worst scenario path in order to prepare for whatever actually happens. Same with imagining the funerals of others, or imagining all the horrible things that could be happening to Styles, wherever he has vanished to. Considering the possibilities is a form of preparation for bad news.

When I do this myself, I always end up thinking of it as “hurting my own feelings”. I think it’s basically a form of pre-emptive grieving. The tears that often fall as a result of these types of scenarios are cathartic and cleansing. And the hope is that when the bad news comes, it won’t feel as bad as if you hoped for the best and were blindsided by the worst. Usually, it’s never as bad as I imagined.

So that’s what Cara is doing with these dark thoughts – she’s trying to comfort herself. And I’ll be honest… the whole hurting your own feelings thing… it kind of feels good, as crazy as that sounds.

Masquerade and Reckless Waves

Why does receiving reviews from readers on Inkitt before I've finished publishing the whole story give me such crazy anxiety? I'm super grateful that people are enjoying it and wanting to share that enjoyment with others, but holy moly does it make me feel pressure to deliver something mindblowing at The End. And honestly, I don't think mindblowing is in my repertoire. I would love it if it were, but let's be honest, I'm no genius. I just hope it's satisfying enough to not make anyone regret the stars they're giving it.

Anyway...

I've posted chapters 26 and 27. We're at the point of the story when tensions are starting to wreak havoc. There are a lot of suppressed emotions going on, not just inside Cara, but among the group. Cara seems to have this idea that if she can control herself, she can control everything, and it'll all be just fine. Is that a narcissistic tendency, or do most people with anxiety feel that way?

Chapter 26, Masquerade, finds Cara acting on the decision she made at the end of chapter 25 to choose her love for Griffin and maintaining a happy marriage over letting herself get carried away with the project she's working on with Styles. It's a painful sacrifice. Her growing feelings for Styles seem to be tied directly to their shared passion and inspiration for the project, and the flow of the creative stream they are both wading in.

Distancing herself from Styles emotionally means stepping out of that creative stream, and immediately the project feels throttled for her, like she's lost her connection to it and her passion for it. She needs to find a way to dial back into that zone without it being about Styles' contributions or how he motivates her.

And of course, a decision like that wouldn't be complete without a test being thrown at her immediately after, with Willow inviting herself and Styles over to her and Griffin's house for a dinner party. And this is where Hannah's tarot reading becomes relevant.

Two of Swords

In chapter 25, Hannah tells Cara, "The signs are where you look for them". So when Cara spots the two crossed plastic cocktail swords on the table where Willow has unpacked her bag of goodies, Cara immediately remembers Hannah's words of wisdom about not having all of the information, and basically not being in control of everything that's happening.

She can only control herself, not the actions of others. And so as difficult as it is, she passes the test thrown at her to maintain distance from Styles and protect her marriage, but by the end of chapter 27, we suspect that someone else has failed the same test - and it wasn't even on her radar that Willow and/or Griffin might be fighting the same Reckless Waves that she's been dealing with.

Chapter 27 is kind of a turning point, I guess. Maybe I'm not literary enough to really understand what I've done there myself, and whether I've set it up correctly. Cara's so focused on her own feelings and choices that she's taken everyone else at face value and assumed she's the only one going through stuff. An explosive event that doesn't directly involve her? She did not see that coming, and it seems neither did Styles.

He remains the big enigma in this story, even more so than River. Despite the connection Cara has with him creatively, his face card remains blurry for her, and the question mark of whether he feels the same connection she does has been nagging her. But with him storming out of the house after Willow and Griffin's suspected transgression (and actually, we don't even know what, if anything happened - that Two of Swords applies to us too), we assume his mind is now pre-occupied with anything but Cara and their project.

The hallucinated snow that Cara feels falling on her as she retreats to the backyard in the wake of the evening's disaster is another callback to the snow globe, and the idea that she's living inside of a another core memory in the making, that this period of her life is unfolding inside a self-contained dome and she's aware that she has a finite amount of time in this place.

The chapter title Masquerade is pretty self-explanatory, regarding Cara's decision to mask her emotions for the good of everyone. Reckless Waves refers to something that Willow says to Cara about her hair, and also hints at the reckless waves of emotion that Cara is feeling internally, and the reckless waves of emotion and action that seem to happening externally on the part of the other characters by the end of the chapter, with Cara's mask still firmly in place.