Chapters 28 and 29: Apocalypse Wow and Fault Lines

These chapters focus on the fallout from Griffin and Willow getting caught “upstairs” during the dinner party. In Apocalypse Wow, we find Cara unable to confront Griffin for fear of finding out a boogeyman of the truth she doesn’t want to deal with. 

Despite her churning guts telling her that everything is wrong, she doesn’t want to disappoint River by missing yet another studio appointment, so she flees to Burntree almost as a respite from being at her house, the place where the alleged betrayal has occurred.

But it turns out that River is just as distracted, having received the news that his friend Styles has not been seen since the night before, not showing up to work or even returning home. 

This sends Cara spiralling with worry, her fear that she might somehow be responsible for what happened worsening and now taking on the responsibility for Styles’ disappearance as well. River appears to be rather concerned himself, so he cancels their session.

In Fault Lines, Cara’s island daydream scenario returns from it’s hiatus for the first time since she and Griffin made the decision to move to L.A. It picks up with Cara and Styles having been on the island for months now (mirroring the months-long period since the last time she indulged in this daydream). They’ve settled into a routine and have learned how to survive at a basic level, but now the threat is about them being able to survive and stay healthy in the long term. Holding onto hope of rescue (well, at least Styles is), Cara begins to wonder what all of this means for their relationship as friends, as partners in survival, or perhaps something more.

The switch to focus on rescue is of course another mirror to what’s happening in reality. With Styles missing, he may actually be in danger and in need of rescue for real. And while Cara wants him to be safe, she is also concerned about the potential impact on their friendship and partnership when he is found. If Griffin and Willow are having an affair, what does that mean for Cara and Styles? Especially if he  feels that Cara is in any way responsible for their actions.

Later in the chapter, she finally faces Griffin, who knows how Cara thinks and tries to assuage any guilt she may be feeling, blaming herself for the actions of others. Ironically, the idea that she is not at fault for what happened is more unsettling for her than if it was her fault, because it means accepting that a) the world doesn’t revolve around her, b) Griffin is actually at least partly responsible, and c) harboring secret romantic feelings for Styles is something she is actually guilty of.

Griffin doesn’t go as far as to take responsibility himself, though there is space to interpret him telling Cara it’s not her fault as him hinting that he knows he is to blame.

Comforting dark thoughts

Cara’s mind goes to some pretty dark places in these chapters. I’m not sure how common it is for other people with anxiety to go into dark comfort scenarios when they are in a heightened state of fear or worry, but it’s certainly how my mind works. Especially regarding uncertainty – instead of hoping for the best, my mind tends to imagine the worst. These thoughts often involve death, disease, catastrophic injury and physical pain as metaphors for rejection and emotional pain.

Cara imagining herself as a ghost watching her own funeral is a way of processing what she believes is the worst that can happen. It isn’t suicidal ideation. It’s a fear and anxiety response, designed to walk down the absolute worst scenario path in order to prepare for whatever actually happens. Same with imagining the funerals of others, or imagining all the horrible things that could be happening to Styles, wherever he has vanished to. Considering the possibilities is a form of preparation for bad news.

When I do this myself, I always end up thinking of it as “hurting my own feelings”. I think it’s basically a form of pre-emptive grieving. The tears that often fall as a result of these types of scenarios are cathartic and cleansing. And the hope is that when the bad news comes, it won’t feel as bad as if you hoped for the best and were blindsided by the worst. Usually, it’s never as bad as I imagined.

So that’s what Cara is doing with these dark thoughts – she’s trying to comfort herself. And I’ll be honest… the whole hurting your own feelings thing… it kind of feels good, as crazy as that sounds.