Everything, Everywhere, All at Once & Mystery Theater

At this point, Chapter 41: Everything, Everywhere, All at Once, Cara has quietly done something actually pretty big, for her anyway. She has self-published her book online, and not only is she finding an audience, but she’s getting far more attention than she expected. 

It wasn’t really about that. I think for her, simply taking the step to put it out into the world was the goal, and whatever happened after that didn’t really matter. So in that regard, she succeeded, by going further than she had ever done before with her writing. She glosses over it, but she managed to overcome a major hurdle in her creative and personal development. To use her words, “it’s not nothing.”

She doesn’t really get a chance to find out if meeting that goal was enough, because right away, the not nothing becomes very much something. And sure it’s exhilarating, but I think it’s also unsettling for her, because now what she put out there can be judged.

I do think that had she published it and nothing did happen, she would have been alright with that for a while, but eventually it would weigh on her. She’d start to wonder why, and I think it would drive her to try again and make it not just about getting it out there, but about getting at least some attention. She craves that validation, and despite having a contrarian relationship with the concept of being seen, I think ultimately, that is what she wants.

 There is probably a version of Cara in another universe where her book didn’t do much of anything, and she starts to get restless about it. Maybe in that universe it takes a little longer for her to get to the point she’s at now, but she’d get there.

It’s more fun to watch her struggle with success than failure though, which is why I went this way with it. She needs to get over this idea that she doesn’t deserve it, and get comfortable with herself as someone who is making her mark on the world.

That’s the next hurdle she needs to overcome, and she’s definitely not there yet, with the way she’s anticipating a reversal in fortune and a crash, proving that she doesn’t deserve her success. She almost wills it to happen, because that’s a reality she knows how to deal with. But there is hope. Her six step guide to surviving the inevitable crash starts out bleak, but by the end, she’s telling herself that her value isn’t wrapped up in the thing she created, its success or its failure. That’s another small thing that is actually a pretty big deal.

Our girl is growing and if we don’t pay attention to the way she glosses over those details, we could miss it. Growth is a process though, and while her limerence with Styles has shifted into something slightly healthier, she’s still a bit fixated on making some kind of peace with that situation. Now that her island survival fantasy has pretty much concluded, she finds a way to drop back into that scenario storyline as the ghost of her former self, watching amends get made between Styles and Griffin. She just wants everyone to have a happy ending, and I love that about her, even if it’s not likely to happen in real life. She’s still soothing herself and licking those wounds, but we already know she’s on the path to healing and progress in her growth, so it’s not really cause for concern. Just a little more insight into the part of herself who still cares, deeply.

So when Griffin finally does come home, for real, it feels earned. She has been through hell, she has made progress in learning from her mistakes and becoming a better person, and their reunion is happening at a time when they’ve both had some time to reflect and figure out what they really want – and it’s still each other.

Hopefully what is coming across now is that the Cara and Styles romantic storyline is not the main romantic storyline. This has always been about Cara and Griffin and how they weather the storm that this detour in L.A. has created in their relationship. This is about how they find their way back to each other.

But the story isn’t quite over yet, because their reunion, while sweet and heartwarming, still has some bumps to ride over. Because of course, Griffin comes home at the exact same time as Cara’s book goes viral on the internet, with potential repercussions. It’s not just her book that has gone viral, it’s her anonymous persona, Zinnia Sherwood, and there is all kinds of wild speculation about her real identity, and the risk that she might be discovered.

Since Cara is terrified of anyone finding out that she wrote the book for the same reasons that any author might want to remain anonymous (judgement from family, friends or the public, wanting to protect her private life), she becomes fixated on monitoring the buzz to be ready for whatever happens next. And that is taking her attention away from the thing she wanted most – Griffin’s return and forgiveness. Having both of these priorities competing with each other at once is overwhelming, and that’s why I named this chapter after one of the greatest movies of this decade, Everything Everywhere All at Once.

(As an aside, I think that movie may have been more of a subconscious inspiration or influence on me in terms of my own self-perception, and as a result, my writing of this book, than I realized.)

Chapter 42: Mystery Theater continues with Cara trying to process both realities at once – the return of her love, and the threat that her secret identity might be exposed. As Griffin begins to resume life at home, she should be lavishing all her attention on him, but instead, he’s moving about in the background while she fixates on what she sees as a more urgent and perilous situation. There is no argument between them, only what seems like a quiet acceptance that should be uncomfortable for all of us, since Griffin being relegated to the backburner is what got them in trouble in the first place.

The viral breakout of her book/secret identity is big enough that it lands on Hannah’s otherworldly radar, which should be a sign that Cara’s happy ending isn’t quite ready for her yet. She starts spiraling in a daydream about the world putting the pieces of the puzzle together and discovering her and exacting the judgement upon her that she fears so much. But it’s not the world at large she’s most worried about, it’s the people she loves the most, specifically Griffin and Hannah. It occurs to her that if the world is on the verge of finding out who Zinnia Sherwood is, they’ll find out too. And another key figure who stands to gain or lose everything from it and take her down with him, is Styles.

Maybe she was surprised to see a message from him inviting Zinnia Sherwood to appear on his podcast, but we shouldn’t be. If anyone was going try and find a way to crack the Who is Zinnia Sherwood? mystery in front of the world, it was always going to be him. His podcast was literally made for it.