There’s the Rub and Party of Four

Before I get into my chapter notes, I just want to say that I've been feeling a bit forlorn about all this lately. I mean posting these chapters on Inkitt, and engaging on the platform in general.

I keep thinking about that adage, “you get out what you put in”. And I genuinely try to be someone who puts in. I am not just posting, and then sitting there, waiting for the masses to flock to my story. I’m not delusional enough to think that it happens like that. I want to connect with other writers, and with readers. I want to be part of a community that encourages and supports one another. And yeah, I want people to read my story, and tell me they like it, and tell me how I can fix it if they don’t. And I want to read their stories and do the same. 

So I’m doing that, but... when active members don't reciprocate it drives me insane. I get that people should be able use the site in the way that makes sense for them, that's cool. And I'm not saying people need to respond to my every comment or review. I don't know. Maybe I'm old and out of it and I'm just not great at social media anymore (my Instagram account proves that's true). It just makes me feel like I don't know what it's all for. Granted, there are a few people I'm following who do reciprocate and interact and I appreciate their contributions a lot. They are the only ones making it worthwhile.

But then the bots started showing up, and that just feels shitty. It makes me want to quit. But quitting also feels bad. So I guess either I quit and feel bad, or keep posting and feel bad, and I don’t know which one is worse. Screaming into the void vs. bottling up something that is bubbling inside me and wants out. 

Anyway. I just needed to whine I guess. 

What do I want to say about these chapters?

They continue my favorite scene (so far) - the pool party at River’s mansion. Maybe having multiple chapters span one scene is too much of a slow burn for some. But I think the payoff is worth it, and by the end there is movement toward the next part of the story. 

In There’s the Rub, Cara returns from Naomi’s dressing room not just in dry clothes, but wearing something she would never pick out to wear for herself. It’s interesting to me how Naomi sees her differently from how she sees herself. The outfit could work as a mask in a sense. Not one that she’s putting on herself, but one that could help her to see herself in another light. No one makes a big deal about it, and though we might not see it yet, that might be the first hint she gets that no one is thinking about her as much as she is thinking about herself. 

Griffin vs. Styles: The Duel 

Griffin seeing his opportunity to one-up Styles after the pool rescue incident with his massage therapy knowledge is seriously so fun to me. I think that scene speaks for itself, but it really does play to me like an old timey English duel, where instead of a formal challenge, it's more unspoken, and the approach is more subtle, but Cara sees through it and knows exactly what’s happening. You want to save my wife? I’ll save yours, and I’ll do it better and more elegantly than you. Game, set, match. 

Willow 

Which brings us to Willow. She cuts about as intimidating of a figure (pun intended) as anyone possibly could. Beautiful people often face prejudice for being vapid, shallow or unintelligent, but that says a lot more about the people doing the judging than the person being judged. Person being the operative word. She’s a human being who, granted, may have lucked into her lifestyle with good genes, but there is so much more to her than that. I don’t want to give too much away, so I’ll leave it there. Not to say she’s without flaws. But she has her own hopes and dreams and desires just like anyone. 

In Party of Four, the “indecent proposal” of course shows a side to her that maybe contradicts what I’ve said above, and that’s okay, because as I’ve said, she’s a layered individual. When Griffin manages to massage her pain away without ever laying a finger on her, I think it motivates her to move forward with the proposal. Maybe it wasn’t top of her mind before the massage, but after, she’s feeling a little magical about him. She’s not obvious about it, and the way she makes it seem like she’s doing it for Styles' benefit is definitely manipulative. In some ways, I think that puts Willow and Griffin on the same level. They’re both subtle and have game. 

The Daydream 

Which brings us to Cara’s daydream scenario about what would happen if they all said yes to the proposal. Rather than focus on the anguish of the unknowable (how it would go between Willow and Griffin – she’d get lost for days trying to imagine all of the possibilities, and probably make herself sick doing it) she wonders what it would take to cross the line with Styles. 

The fact that they are both unwilling in the beginning tells me that they need more than just a skin deep attraction to feel desire. They need a connection. And in talking about their feelings about it, they manage to develop that connection. 

It’s different from imagining banging River in the karaoke bar bathroom. No connection was needed for that, because it’s not real. But with an actual offer on the table, we find out that she needs to jump through some hoops first to see if a sexual fantasy is even possible. 

I feel a little funny leaving that last chapter where it is, hanging in the sexual fantasy realm. And if I decided to stop posting chapters, I think it would be an uncomfortable place to leave it. This is supposed to be a slow burn story after all. So I guess that makes my decision for me. I’ll post at least the next chapter.  

At this point, I’m starting to feel like posting to Inkitt is like posting to this blog or to my Instagram. That is to say, like dancing naked in Times Square and no one noticing. Kind of feels like the story of my life. But if I put my clothes on and go home, I’ll know that I gave up, even if no one else notices or cares. Maybe that is worse. 

Guests of Honor and A Slight Misstep

In these two chapters, we are welcomed to River Deane’s mansion in the hills, meet his family, and some of their friends and watch as Cara and Griffin take in their first L.A. fancy-people pool party experience. 

While it’s all very intimidating in some ways (the luxurious setting, for example) Cara quickly learns that her expectations don’t necessarily match reality. People are people, and these people are nice. They have dogs. And River’s wife Naomi is instantly able to disarm Cara upon their arrival.  

Naomi 

I’m not going to do a deep dive on Naomi, but I do want to say that I actually wish I could fit more of her into this story. She’s basically the friend we all crave, she lights up any room she’s in, she’s the nurturing presence who always knows the right thing to say and do. I love her so much, and I kind of hate that she’s not a main character, but I think her role is so important. She sets the tone for how Cara decides she’s going to interact with everyone – instead of masking to seem “better” than she thinks she is, Naomi gives her permission to let her guard down and be her real self. 

I’m so happy for her, you know? Until, of course, the pool incident occurs, and we get to see a side of Griffin we haven’t seen yet, and one that Cara doesn’t even see too often.  

Griffin 

I think there is actually a lot of nuance to that incident and I hope it demonstrates that Griffin isn’t just a one-note, excited golden retriever in every situation. He has feelings, and insecurities too. I’m not even mad at him for his lowkey aggro teeth-baring at Styles for hastily jumping into the pool after Cara. He might feel like it should have been him springing to action, and maybe he feels like an ass for not reacting that way, for being too busy chatting up his idol to attend to his wife. 

And of course, a slight tinge of territorial jealousy about another man paying attention to her, touching her, even if Styles’ intentions were not nefarious. 

Styles 

As these scenes unfold we’re also introduced to the mysterious snow globe thief from the prologue and learn about his connection to River. He’s already familiar to Cara and Griffin who are aware of his podcast. What I hoped to establish is that while Cara certainly admires River for his iconic superstar existence, she admires Styles maybe just a little bit more, because she sees him as a regular person who achieved a more attainable sort of dream. Not that there wasn’t luck involved, but he was able to capitalize on that luck in a meaningful way. 

Combine that with the way he oozes personality and charisma, and he’s a pretty inspiring and attention-grabbing guy. Maybe a little too much for some. And maybe that’s all him, or maybe some of it is a bit of a put-on, for show. There is definitely an ego at the wheel, but not in an arrogant or overbearing way. He’s just not done striving for something more, reaching for the next rung on the ladder. I think Cara really digs that energy. She’s definitely drawn to it, as she comes out of her wallflower state to join his conversation.  

Obviously, their accidental collision is meant to create that tension with Griffin I talked about above. Styles’ first-responder reaction is genuine and meant to show that he’s a fast thinker and a fast actor. I also think he feels responsible. He didn’t meant to knock Cara, a virtual stranger to him, into the pool, and his impulse to rescue her is definitely part of his good nature. But I think it may also hint at a need for control, especially controlling a perceived narrative.  

Oh dear, I may have said too much… 

The pool party continues in the upcoming chapters, so stay tuned!

California Sunshine and a Ride Through Glitterati Zoo

Chapters 7 and 8 are now live. I think I’ve identified a bit of a flow issue in that I have three short chapters back-to-back that really are all part of the same transition, so I’m considering whether to merge them into one chapter. The question is, are they interesting enough on their own or are they stronger together? That’s something I’m still thinking about.

I like the idea of varying chapter lengths, and I don’t like when chapters get too long, personally. I’ve been known to flip ahead in a book to find out how long a chapter is to prepare myself for it, and look for a good break point if needed. I don’t know if that’s an ADHD-inattentive thing or not, but shorter chapters do tend to make me feel like I’m achieving something as I finish them, while my mind wanders during longer chapters, even if I’m interested in the story. I can’t really help it.

Anyway, these chapters explore how ill-prepared Cara is for their change in plans and her insecurity about socializing with people who she fears may judge her, based on nothing really, but her own self-perception. This is in contrast to the easy way that Griffin floats through life, adapts to changes, and is generally not too concerned with looking like a fool or a fanboy.

Cara’s super-attuned cringe-meter is quivering with nervous anticipation. It gets her thinking about a recent therapy session where the main discussion point is about masking and authenticity, and what it would mean for Cara to drop the mask and just be herself. Whether she does or not, we’ll soon find out.

These scenes are very much a slow-burn at least for me! I know what’s coming, and I’m a bit antsy to get to some new scenery and for the next bit of action to unfold. Very similar to how my own daydreaming works. I know where I’m trying to get to, but there are avenues that need to be explored beforehand before I get there. 

It’s really part of the experience, and it’s why for me personally, a single daydream story can last for weeks, or longer, even if I’m in a maladaptive phase where I’m ignoring real life in favor of daydream world-building for the better part of the day. It can get intense, and addictive. And getting to the main goal is not satisfying unless I’ve spent a lot of time building up to it.

So I hope that I’m creating that tension with these interstitial scenes. This “slice of life” style pause is temporary. Things are about to happen.

Side Trip and Mind Monsters: Chapter Commentary

OMG. I’ve been so sick, and on top of that, I’ve had killer insomnia that just won’t let up. I did finally get a few drips and drops of sleep last night, although I would not say it was enough to feel restored.

Regardless, before the next chapter goes up, I wanted to give my commentary on Chapter 5: Side Trip and Chapter 6: Mind Monsters.

In Side Trip, we continue watching the accidental afterparty unfold at the karaoke bar that just happens to be a known spot for celebrities to turn up. This was the chapter I was nervous about posting, I guess because while we’ve gotten a few small glimpses of Cara’s sexual proclivities up to now, we get to see it come on in full force. As I might have mentioned, this is the first time I’ve ever written anything that explores sexuality at any level of depth.

(In my previous writing life, I did write something that was maybe a little too sexually shocking for one of my readers who made it very clear they did not approve. Well, I’m not writing for them anymore, now am I?)

Hypersexual vs. hypercurious

One question I’ve considered throughout the writing of this story: Is Cara hypersexual? She certainly thinks about it a lot. She could be a technical writer for literally any type of product, but she has established her niche in the sex toy realm. For her, I think it might just be that sex is interesting and exciting, and the idea of writing instructions about anything else is just too boring for her to manage. And, she gets to use the products as part of her research, along with Griffin, so there is that side benefit.

I hoped to establish that she and Griffin have a healthy sexual relationship together physically. But what does it mean that Cara’s daydreams so often drift into sexual territory – and that they don’t always involve him?

Does it have something to do with her neurodivergence? That could be part of it. I don’t want to generalize and paint all neurodivergent people in a certain way. ND expresses itself uniquely for everyone who has it. In Cara’s case though, I think it does have to do with novelty-seeking, and why daydreaming has become such an active outlet for her.

She’s not really a risk taker, unless she thinks it will please someone whose affection she craves. She skates pretty close to the rink boards. So her daydreams let her explore her sexual fantasies in a safe and covert way. No one knows but her, and no one can take them from her. If the fantasies sometimes involve other men, I do think it’s about novelty. She’s not unhappy with Griffin. It seems to me that her needs are met, in the physical world. But hypercuriosity is a common ND trait. So when River Deane shows up not just at the karaoke bar but in her bathroom daydream, Griffin fans are going to feel alarmed, but I don’t think it’s that alarming.

She’s not proud of it. Griffin even shows up in the daydream to admonish her.

Am I making excuses for her?  Maybe. Is it never okay to fantasize about someone else? People don’t seem to think it’s too big of a deal when it’s a celebrity – someone you don’t have personal contact with, or regular access to. But as soon as that person becomes someone you know in real life, now we’re dealing with what some call emotional cheating.

As the story continues, that theme isn’t going away, so maybe buckle up.

River has entered the chat

I want to talk a bit about River. He has entered the story not just as an element, but as an actual character. Granted, we don’t know much about him yet. He’s polite. He appreciates his fans. He’s affable and chill. And he’s in search of something to reignite a spark in his musical creativity after so many years of commercial success.

Does Cara really have what he’s looking for? Maybe he went to the karaoke bar with that purpose in mind, and as he walked in the door, just happened to hear her sing one of his songs. Maybe he should have listened to a few more singers before making up his mind about her. But the coincidence is certainly compelling. To an artist like him, it might be the sign he was looking for, even if there's something better out there.

Monsters of the mind

I haven’t said much about this latest chapter. Originally it was combined with the karaoke chapter, but it was getting a bit long, so I separated it into it’s own thing. It’s really meant to transition from the karaoke scene to what’s coming next.

Is it fair for Cara to be pissed at Griffin for agreeing to River’s invitation on her behalf? I don’t think Griffin means any harm – in fact, he sees it as a positive for both of them. He gets to hang out with his idol, and he certainly sees it as an opportunity for Cara to take more risks in her life, be more spontaneous, indulge this side of her that seems to be emerging. But I think Cara’s allowed to feel some resistance. Griffin didn’t want her to say no, and regret it, but shouldn’t she have the right to say no, and regret it?

The nightmare that follows is meant to process her anxiety and self-awareness about her daydreaming, and some of the guilt and shame she experiences about it. River has shown up in her daydreams now, but is it really him? Or is it a version of him that she created that actually has nothing to do with who he really is? And how healthy is that?

I’m working on getting the next chapter up, hopefully later today. It’s really helpful for me to get these thoughts off my chest as I continue posting, even if no one is reading this.

A Personal Note

I'm feeling sad today. This is the final day of a planned staycation before I go back to work tomorrow. I had planned to get some things done. I was going to do some writing/revising today, and post the next chapter of Maladaptive to Inkitt.

But it seems I'm having trouble getting started. I'm kind of afraid to post the next chapter. This is the first story I've written that has a strong sexual undercurrent. And honestly, it's not like the next chapter goes "super hardcore" or anything, it's probably tame by most people's standards, and yet I'm hesitating. 

Suddenly it feels harder than posting that very first chapter, only about a week ago. I'm not sure what I'm so afraid of. There is a vulnerability thing happening, maybe. All I know is, if I waste this day, I'll end up in another spiral that could last for days or weeks even, but putting pressure on myself never resulted in accomplishing much either. 

This was supposed to be a good day.

Show Time and Accidental Afterparty

In these next two chapters (I didn’t previously have chapter names, but as I post on Inkitt I’m naming them, not sure if they will stick but trying it out for now), we are graced with the presence of country music superstar River Deane, in all his legendary (and not so legendary) glory.

Cara and Griffin experience the concert in their own ways – Griffin feeling every goosebumpy moment, Cara oscillating wildly as her senses and her thinking patterns compete for her attention. 

She so desperately wants to be in the moment like Griffin, but her inner monologue is in the driver’s seat, as usual.

The post-concert shenanigans give a little taste of how Cara does have an outlet for some of her "desire to be seen" energy that she keeps a lid on, even if it's a fairly safe outlet by some people's standards (my take: karaoke is for everyone, they just don't know it yet).

I said I wanted to do a deep dive on Cara and now seems like the right time, before the story builds. But I don’t want to give too much away, there is more to her that will be revealed, and also, I want readers to be able to understand her in their own way, according to their own experiences.

Cara

So what can I say about Cara…

I think she sort of sees herself as a nerd with homebody tendencies. She moves through the world tentatively, as someone who craves experiences and excitement, but what she can’t quite take a chance on in the real world, she’s quite happy to fulfill that need for herself in her immersive imagination. I guess the question is… is that enough for her?

She also desperately wants to please others, and I think she’s disgusted by that tendency in herself. That feeling of not belonging in first-class on the airplane isn’t just about first-class. She feels like she doesn’t belong anywhere, and I think that’s why she keeps her external world so small and close.

A lot of people can probably relate to that. I know I can.

Hopefully her self-deprecating humor and mastery of deflection is starting to come through. I would say this is a key aspect of her character. It says more about her than she wants anyone to know. In her attempt to “fit in” to the world around her, she carefully filters out anything that can be perceived as sensitivity, all while she’s freaking out on the inside with sensory overload.

I didn’t intend for her to be a “quirky” character. I’m not sure if she’s coming across that way or not. What I wanted to show was the constant, never-ending push and pull that she lives inside of herself to reconcile who she really is versus who she thinks the world and others in her life want her to be. I guess she fits into the “small town girl with big city dreams” archetype, and I’m cool with that, but it’s scaffolding for a lot of nuanced layering. At least that’s my intention.

I think the Cara deep dives are going to have to be an ongoing thing as the story unfolds – I can’t sum her up now when there is so much left to unfurl.

Griffin

I also don’t want to ignore the other characters. Because I will tell you now, there is no one in this story that I’m not deeply in love with in some way. But there is definitely a Griffin deep dive that needs to happen. For now, all I want to say about Griffin is that his sweetness and patience give me life, and I love that the vulnerability Cara is so reluctant to show, Griffin wears on his sleeve.

Content Warning (going forward...)

One thing I want to hedge is that this story definitely enters some very morally gray waters. Maybe a little trigger warning now for anyone who doesn’t like the idea of good people doing bad things, or bad people doing good things (that is an extreme take that I’m not sure any character of this book reaches, but I’ll leave that up to you to decide). This is not a cozy story, even if it wants to be. 

Chapters 2 and 3 are up (in the air)! 😉

In these chapters, we really get to meet our protagonist, Cara for the first time, and her husband Griffin, on their very first first-class flight to Los Angeles as part of their contest win package to see country music superstar River Deane in concert.

Without coming right out and saying it in the story, one of my goals was to establish that Cara and Griffin are Gen X. They remember Robin Leach and the Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, and their first social media was MySpace.

I'm aware that their age (mid-40s) means that as main characters they may not have the widest appeal. It definitely seems like most stories these days are about younger characters. But as a Gen Xer myself, it's what I relate to most, and it seems like an underrepresented age group as far as new stories being told (some of the greatest stories ever told are about Gen X when we were young, so I get that Gen X isn't underrepresented in media overall, I just mean... ugh, I don't know what I mean).

I guess my point is that I'm not trying to alienate younger readers, but I do want to give older readers a secret handshake, or a nod like we saw each other in public wearing a t-shirt with a picture of a Sony Walkman on it.

If you've read my About page, then you know that this story evolved from a therapeutic journaling exercise to deal with my maladaptive daydreaming. In the majority of my MDDs, I'm the MC, but an idealized version of myself who is wittier, prettier, and just all around better. The first person POV in this story comes from the way I journaled my MDD as it was really happening.

But I want to be clear: I'm not Cara, and she's not me.

Once I made the transition from "this is a daydream journal" to "this is a fiction novel", Cara became someone uniquely herself. The first person POV is all her, and this story could not be told any other way. Her internal world is so vivid that it just can't be framed externally.

I'd like to think that if Cara were to somehow jump off the pages into the real world and we met, that we'd be kindred spirits. But we are not the same. She's capable of things I could/would never do. But that's all I'm going to say for now. I'll probably do a deep dive on each character, starting with Cara, as I continue to post more chapters. 

It's live! Well, the first chapter anyway...

I did it! The first chapter (technically a prologue, but whatever) is live on Inkitt. 

I'm not sure I can adequately describe the torturous pressure I've been putting on myself to simply start putting it where others might see it, but the first hurdle has officially been cleared.

Cue the nervous butterflies, as if this is some monumentally momentous occasion. It is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, I know this. 

Tell it to my nervous system.

Short post, because I'm still processing this self-perceived achievement and my hands are shaking as I type this. But I needed to share. 

And now... I breathe.

Content coming soon!

Welcome and thanks for visiting. Please bear with me while I get this started. In the meantime, please read my About page.