Official Proof of Life

The proofs for Sixty-Six have arrived in both their matte and glossy glory, and after some deliberation and input from a few lovely people on Instagram, I think I’ve decided to go with the matte finish. This is exciting, of course, but to be honest, holding the proof copies in my hands today was a little bittersweet, thanks to some new perspective I'm working through.

The first official ARC review for Sixty-Six has been shared, as of a few days ago. I’ve been processing it internally, ruminating on what it means and how I move forward. 

Which means I’ve been in this weird sort of suspension since the review was posted, and I’m having trouble thinking about anything else. It’s getting in the way of my normal flow, so I think I need to put my thoughts down about it so I can move forward.

It is a critical review with a low rating. The weird thing is that I’m not, like, mad or devastated about it. I am having a bunch of different feelings, but none of them have left me hysterically weeping on a Victorian couch in the throes of despair, so that’s something.

First and foremost, I am grateful for this review. Someone out there took the time to read my book and provide their honest thoughts about it. It is a thoughtful review with many criticisms, but it is not cruel or devoid of positive notes. An honest, thoughtful review, regardless of how the book is rated, is exactly what I want.

It’s what I wanted 8 years ago when I first wrote it, and wasn’t able to get, because I didn’t know how to get it back then. I asked for honest feedback from people who didn’t know how to give it. That isn’t their fault. And now finally, after all this time, and after my efforts to take what I wrote in 2018 and polish it for publishing, I have exactly what I wanted, and I accept it, even if it’s not what I wanted to hear.

I don’t want to go into the specific details of the review itself. Even though I am not in a state of utter crisis about it, there are some things in it that hurt, and there are some things I don’t necessarily agree with. I can’t help but feel misunderstood, but that is not a new thing, and it’s not unique to this review.

Some of the points the reviewer makes are objectively valid, and they are things I didn’t see until they pointed them out. I feel stupid and embarrassed by those things. I wish I had been able to spot them myself, but I couldn’t. I said I wasn’t going to get into the specifics of the review, but I will mention one thing it called out – that the book would have benefited from an editor.

I’m not going to defend my decision to self-edit instead of seeking a professional editor. I have my reasons, but listing them is just going to sound like I’m making excuses. What’s kind of funny is that this book has essentially been written by two different people: me in 2018, and me in 2026. I am a better writer now than I was in 2018, but I was a good writer then, too.

2018 me had a different style than 2026 me, and today I have a different sensibility than I did back then. When I cracked the manuscript open again after 8 years, I saw a lot of things that I loved and thought that 2018 me did quite well. I also saw a lot of things that needed to be fixed, and so I went to work on fixing those things. I think I made a lot of improvements.

But there are things that 2018 me would probably have a massive fit about if she was still around to see what I’ve done with her book. If she could have checked my work, I think she probably would have spotted a lot of the same things that the reviewer did.

Like I said, this isn’t me defending my choices. I’m just saying that my 2026 patches are a different color from the overall 2018 palette, and I didn’t notice that they weren’t seamless. I was also blind to some of the loose threads that needed tightening, because at some point, I had become comfortable with them and didn’t see them as flaws. I may have even seen some of the ragged edges as features, like buying a pair of already-ripped or frayed jeans.

Now that starts to get into matters of taste, style or certain convention expectations and I don’t want to get into that. The review does make subjective notes as well, and the reviewer has just as much right to those as they do to the objective items. The point I want to make is that I am not interested in throwing shade or setting the record straight on my intentions or anything like that. No matter how painstaking the efforts of an author's intentions may be, they have no control over a reader's interpretation. That does not belong to me.

What I'm trying to get to is that this review is a gift. Yes, I actively sought reviews, but they are not owed. Reviews are ultimately for readers, and I have no intention of invading the reader space. But it is a public review, and I do have a right to read it and have feelings about it, and so this is me doing that in my own space. 

And now I have a choice to make. I can be upset about it and worry and get all worked up about publishing something that now feels shaky to me. I can ignore it, pretend I never read it, and just hope for the best going forward. Or I can use this opportunity to learn from it and hopefully become a better writer.

So that’s what I’ve decided to do. My planned release date of November 2 is about six weeks away. The ARC review period is ongoing until then, and hopefully other reviews will start coming in. I have no idea what to expect with those. Maybe they will be more forgiving, or maybe they will echo the same criticisms as this review. It’s out of my hands, but what is in my hands is the time and the ability to make whatever objectively valid changes I can before I officially publish it.

I can’t rewrite the whole book, nor do I want to. But I can make adjustments to it. I’m not going to win back the heart of a reader I’ve already lost, but it would be narcissistic of me to discount their honest, thoughtful criticisms. I think it would be a misuse of the next six weeks for me to not make constructive use of their insights. It isn’t about pandering to them or trying to achieve someone else’s perfect version of my book, it’s about me improving what I can in the time that I have and putting out something I’m even more proud of, and then doing better next time.

There is a part of me that wants to address the reviewer directly to say thank you, but I don’t want to intrude or cross any boundaries, so I’m not going to do that. But they have given me something that I needed. The fact that it wasn’t cheap validation and that instead of being wounded I’m walking it off is maybe evidence that I’ve done some growing and healing from this whole thing, finally.

What? I’m not crying, you’re crying.

(For the record, and for what it’s worth to those who may appreciate it, I pulled The Hanged Man card three times in the last few days. It represents suspension, hanging in the balance, sacrifice, or a change in perspective. I’m not saying tarot is real, but coincidence and synchronicity are, self-reflection heals, and I’ll take my signs and proof where I can get them 😊)